Sage Alaskan Advice
May 2nd 2008 02:51
Category: Tall Tales n Lies
This parody was inspired by katyzzz's, recent post; but this comment was eaten when it uploaded, and I do want everyone to note her contribution.
1.) If you've got an itch in your throat, scratch your ear. When the nerves in the ear get stimulated, they create a reflex in the throat that causes a muscle spasm, which cures the itch. That’s for chechakos (Alaskan for newbie); we scratch our behinds and kick a brown bear in the butt and take off running while swilling a jug of lemonade Schnapps; if the bear gets ya, you don’t care and if he don’t, the itchy throats a reminder you escaped.
2.) Having trouble hearing someone at a party or on the phone? Use your right ear…its better at picking up rapid speech. But, the left is better at picking up music tones. Fire you pistola into the floor and tell them other loud mouths the next one is for them if they don’t shut; works every time.
3.) If you need to relieve yourself BADLY, but you're not anywhere near a bathroom, fantasize about RELATIONS. That preoccupies your brain and distracts it. Ah hell, that’s what your underwear is for, ‘mergency tissue; just find a bush behind the couch and let’er fly. No one will notice.
4.) Next time the doctor's going to give you an injection, COUGH as the needle is going in. The cough raises the level of pressure in your spinal canal, which limits the pain sensation as it tries to travel to your brain. Kick the injector person or doc in the shin as he inserts the needle, the damn shot will still hurt, but the doc is gonna feel worse than you do, and it’s a great stress reliever.
5.) Clear a stuffed nose or relieve sinus pressure by pushing your tongue against the roof of your mouth…then pressing a finger between your eyebrows. Repeat that for 20 seconds…it causes the vomer bone to rock, which loosens your congestion and clears you up. Uncork a fifth of Yukon Jack and set the bottle of the floor close to a wall, then stand on your head next to the jug and the wall, uncap the beast and grab the monster by the neck pour two ounces into both nostril’s and inhale through the nose deeply; eh yup, that should unclog even the most stubborn sinus blockage.
7.) You can stop a toothache by rubbing ice on the back of your hand, on the webbed area between your thumb and index finger. The nerve pathways there stimulate a part of the brain that blocks pain signals from your mouth. Ah, this is just plain embarrassing, everyone knows that you take two fifth’s of Jack and an aspirin, and then go to bed with a chunky spouse in case it’s cold.
9.) Stop a nose bleed by putting some cotton on your upper gums…right behind the small dent below your nose…and press against it hard. Most of the bleeding comes from the cartilage wall that divides the nose, so pressing there helps get it to stop. Well, yea the cotton is handy but usually all you’ll have is your briefs and etiquette demands that ya turn ‘em inside out before you stuff them up your nose to stop the bleeding; well that and be careful whatcha say to Larsvirginhooter’s next time.
10.) Nervous? Slow your heart rate down by blowing on your thumb. The vagus nerve controls your heart rate, and you can calm it down by breathing. Just strap on your 50 cal. eight shooter, choke down a bottle of Viagra and a fifth of Peppermint Schnapps and go where ya damn well please, you won’t be nervous alone.
11.) Need to breathe underwater for a while??? Instead of taking a huge breath, HYPERVENTILATE before you go under, by taking a bunch of short breaths. That'll trick your brain into thinking it has more oxygen, and buy you about 10 extra seconds. This one could make the difference between a failed or successful attempt at retrieving your wallet from the bottom of a full port-a-john tank; hey, them genuine Shiek’s ain’t easy to come by here in Laska.
13.) If your hand falls asleep, rock your head from side to side.
That'll wake your hand or arm up in less than a minute. Your hand falls asleep because of the nerves in your neck compressing…so loosening your neck is the cure. If your foot falls asleep, that's governed by nerves lower in the body, so you need to stand up and walk around. Eh, two rounds of grizzly wrestling will get those hands to working, if not, we have stylish birch hook replacements to scratch any future itches with.
14.) Finally, this one's totally USELESS, but a nice trick. Have
Someone stick their arm out to the side, straight, palm down. Press down on his wrist with two fingers. He'll resist, and his arm will stay horizontal. Then, have him put his foot on a surface that's half an inch off the ground, like a stack of magazines, and do the trick again. Because his spine position is thrown off, his arm will fall right to his side, no matter how much he tries to resist. Yup, please do this to an old sour dough, we need to thin the tourists out a bit anyway. How do ya like yer gizzard served?
15.) Got the hiccups? Press thumb and second finger over your eyebrows until the hiccups are over usually shortly. Refer back to items 1.) or 2.) either choice works well. But if not, go set in a closet and have a friend throw in a bob cat and within seconds you’ll be hiccup free; and then go see the doc and kick him in the shins, ‘cause you know whats coming next.
Raven
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Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Reading this was an awesome birthday present!
Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
Raven
Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
Go chew your ear, dude.
"Little voices" what a cop out of a defence.
Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
Lines of text disappeared on another post I made yesterday as well. That is irritating, especially when I proofed my post and read things into it that were missing.
Anyway, katyzzz, I corrected that, because the point of this post was meant to parody your health posts and my punch line was missing: sorry I didn't catch it.
Raven
Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
Raven