tlcorbinDavid, why are you hurting?
July 1st 2007 20:53
Category: No Category
It may be you are suffering the cubicle life equivalent of road rage; why can’t the wankers of this world get out of the way. Can’t they see talent approaching? Never mind, toss down a few 80 proof frozen Stoli's and brace for ramming speed.
There are very few people that I’d honestly like to meet in the cyber world, but you are on that meager list. For me your humor and wit speaks volumes to the pain and suffering in my past; and perhaps, to your own. The humor came to me as a buffer against pain, physical and emotional.
I make no bones about my genuine affection for my wife, my heart felt love is a given. Years ago, I realized that she took it for granted that I am more than willing to, ‘die for her’, but what she needed was the assurance that I would be willing to, ‘live for her’. Those people in our lives that matter need that assurance and promise of continuing on; because their lives depend upon it.
David, in my past I have taken life without pity, remorse or hesitation; I have shed few tears over the matter. Now, I am nearly incapable of letting anyone close to me, even my children and siblings. My internal turmoil is manifested in this manner; my backpack is always ready, my weapons are always clean, oiled, loaded n sharpened, my cold weather and incidental survival gear is always ready. I have nothing in the world to turn away from except, Tisha. And the paradox is, she’ll have to throw me away before I’ll abandon her.
Suicide has never left my side as a companion or as an option. But my word to loved ones keeps me here. To, cope I used to drink and self medicate copiously. Now, I take prescribed medications to allow me to escape my nightmares, depression, anger, anxiety, or to pee and to hold my diabetes in check. I have survived cancer, recently had a detached retina and god knows that I have tooth pain issues. Now, I have no idea what they’ll do about the pea sized growth that appeared on the shaft of my penis recently or the rashes that appear all over my body for no earthly reason due to excessive exposure to Agent Orange. Crap the pea sized growth alone should provide ample reason to check out.
Recently my business suffered enough financial hits to force me into bankruptcy; the crew leaders and workers that I paid 30 to 35 untaxed US dollars an hour to, thought they weren’t being compensated enough and took to giving themselves pay raises by stealing from my customers and padding their time cards. Naturally, those customers quit paying and cancelled their contracts with me. Business doors don’t stay open long when the cash flow is interrupted, especially, in the construction business environment here in Alaska. I found out about it recently (within the last 60 days), and have had to deal with this alone. Everyone bailed, except Tisha. Oddly, those same clowns that contributed so heavily to this situation have all come back seeking employment advice or loans because no one else treated them as fairly. Happily, this well is now dry.
What I discovered is this; even our day jobs now require us to get another day job to sustain ourselves. Don’t take anything so serious that it steals your peace. You can always change careers, but not your life. Writing should always be about passion, never a paycheck. So, get the day job and find time to write when you can, but schedule your rest stops.
Life will beat the crap out of you because it can. Suicide is an option but then the pin heads win and those that depend upon you loose. And yes, life and critics are unfair. But for me it is the journey, not the destination that matters anymore; that and setting on the edge of a dock, splashing my feet in the water with my wife, sipping a little sumpin sumpin and laughing.
Raven
There are very few people that I’d honestly like to meet in the cyber world, but you are on that meager list. For me your humor and wit speaks volumes to the pain and suffering in my past; and perhaps, to your own. The humor came to me as a buffer against pain, physical and emotional.
I make no bones about my genuine affection for my wife, my heart felt love is a given. Years ago, I realized that she took it for granted that I am more than willing to, ‘die for her’, but what she needed was the assurance that I would be willing to, ‘live for her’. Those people in our lives that matter need that assurance and promise of continuing on; because their lives depend upon it.
David, in my past I have taken life without pity, remorse or hesitation; I have shed few tears over the matter. Now, I am nearly incapable of letting anyone close to me, even my children and siblings. My internal turmoil is manifested in this manner; my backpack is always ready, my weapons are always clean, oiled, loaded n sharpened, my cold weather and incidental survival gear is always ready. I have nothing in the world to turn away from except, Tisha. And the paradox is, she’ll have to throw me away before I’ll abandon her.
Suicide has never left my side as a companion or as an option. But my word to loved ones keeps me here. To, cope I used to drink and self medicate copiously. Now, I take prescribed medications to allow me to escape my nightmares, depression, anger, anxiety, or to pee and to hold my diabetes in check. I have survived cancer, recently had a detached retina and god knows that I have tooth pain issues. Now, I have no idea what they’ll do about the pea sized growth that appeared on the shaft of my penis recently or the rashes that appear all over my body for no earthly reason due to excessive exposure to Agent Orange. Crap the pea sized growth alone should provide ample reason to check out.
Recently my business suffered enough financial hits to force me into bankruptcy; the crew leaders and workers that I paid 30 to 35 untaxed US dollars an hour to, thought they weren’t being compensated enough and took to giving themselves pay raises by stealing from my customers and padding their time cards. Naturally, those customers quit paying and cancelled their contracts with me. Business doors don’t stay open long when the cash flow is interrupted, especially, in the construction business environment here in Alaska. I found out about it recently (within the last 60 days), and have had to deal with this alone. Everyone bailed, except Tisha. Oddly, those same clowns that contributed so heavily to this situation have all come back seeking employment advice or loans because no one else treated them as fairly. Happily, this well is now dry.
What I discovered is this; even our day jobs now require us to get another day job to sustain ourselves. Don’t take anything so serious that it steals your peace. You can always change careers, but not your life. Writing should always be about passion, never a paycheck. So, get the day job and find time to write when you can, but schedule your rest stops.
Life will beat the crap out of you because it can. Suicide is an option but then the pin heads win and those that depend upon you loose. And yes, life and critics are unfair. But for me it is the journey, not the destination that matters anymore; that and setting on the edge of a dock, splashing my feet in the water with my wife, sipping a little sumpin sumpin and laughing.
Raven
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Comment by David
You picture has just supplied the answer to all of my problems. A mobile computer-station. I'll be able to do a world-wide farewell tour. I'll get Mac (I-Pone to sponsor me in a prototype I-Car, with various webcams attached with live 24/hr streaming (something similar to The Truman Show), and even my death will be live. The I-Car will convert into bar with virtual crowd, shower, bed and virtual girlfriend(s) at the touch of the screen. I'll never have to leave my car/office. I'll be able to have real/virtual conferences in carparks and even have the odd virtual meal at a Maccas drive-through when I get sick of I-food.
David ...
Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
Health Focus
Poetry Lighthouse
MS Paint Art
Words cannot describe my admiration for you and your circumstances and I think that's a copy of the first car there that the guy sits on.
You inspired David's awe-inspiring response, so between the two of you, well done.
My limited knowledge of car terminology held me back a little but I ploughed through the snow and could understand from then on.
katyzzz
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
X-actly, now all you'll need is a map to all of the local bowdy houses n bars along your route, and we're talking a national viewing extravaganza and road show.
Raven
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Thank you for plowing the snow, ....got any maps?
Raven
P.S. just loved that car!
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Here's the backup ride in case you fail bachelorhood-dumb.
Raven
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Comment by Lara M
Love Speaks
Life will beat the crap out of you because it can. Suicide is an option but then the pin heads win and those that depend upon you loose. And yes, life and critics are unfair. But for me it is the journey, not the destination that matters anymore; that and setting on the edge of a dock, splashing my feet in the water with my wife, sipping a little sumpin sumpin and laughing.
Raven... thanks for the words of wisdom as I plod along in my own space here. Persevering is key...
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Thank you, hope it helps or encourages ...
Lara,
You're welcome and right; persevering is everything..
Raven
Comment by Damo
For the Sake of Argument
My Apologetics
BTW
Wanker?
I didn't think yanks used that term.
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
That's true for the most part, but we Alaskans tend be more aligned with Canadian thought, than the lower 48'er mind set.
So, for us, Wankers is fair game.
Raven
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
I hear you Raven...*sigh massive* Suicide....Pin heads win and those you love lose....Doesnt stop you thinking about it....If my damn eyebrow would stop twitching that would be something!
Seems we are kindred souls my friend. They still havnt cured me....
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
It's only mildly contagious..., but there is no curing of kindreds....
Raven
Comment by Dianna G
I Wish This Was 42
Fictional Worlds
That's horrible about your business, though, that's for sure.
Suicide's always there, and you know, it would be much easier for the people who care about you if you just provoked someone into murdering you and made it so it looked like random hit and run or something. Then they wouldn't know you wanted death anyway.
Wow I've thought that through... um... *cough*
Oh well, I enjoyed this post in a confusing sort of way...
~Dianna
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
For us guys, I can always grow another business, but if that pea sized growth causes a problem, how do I regrow my manhood?
Actually, I would hope that the 'up lifting' aspect would resonate with anyone that reads this post.
Raven
Comment by Dianna G
I Wish This Was 42
Fictional Worlds
~Dianna