Gene pool mistakes.
June 12th 2007 16:12
Category: No Category
Life can be so puzzling at times that you just have to scratch your backside and wonder.
By choice, I live in Alaska, one of the most beautiful, barren and cold areas on the face of the earth; Barrow, along with the vast interior regions, is particularly unwelcoming for the warm blooded. There we need to be able to keep warm to survive. That is a given! When the mean temperature outdoors has collapsed to a point so far below freezing that you can't spit, it's chilly. That's so cold in fact, that you must heat your thermometer with a torch just to get it to register. When it gets to that extreme, warmth isn't a luxury anymore, it's damn essential!
Under those conditions, we use refrigerators to defrost our food stuffs and liquor; if we want anything to be frozen we leave it on the front porch for ten minutes. Our problem isn't getting things cold, quite the opposite; we need to heat things up. Interestingly, during extremely cold weather, you can create a blizzard of brown snow by throwing hot coffee or tea up into the air and it'll return to the ground as snow. When younger, I tried to urinate outdoors during a cold snap to see if it would turn to snow, unfortunately I forgot to consider the direction of the wind and ended up.… Never mind, just remember not to eat yellow snow.
So, why the chilly build up? The foibles of genetics are a matter of grievous concern; I can work out doors in freezing weather for long periods of time, perhaps an hour or more, in a t-shirt while it snows or drizzles and actually break into a sweat. I suffer horribly in those ungodly warm areas south of the Canadian-American border. I get heat rash just thinking about traveling outside of Alaska. And sadly, I must wear a hat, even when it isn't convenient. What's the reason? Simply this; I am follicularly challenged. That's right, I am missing natures answer to cold climate heat loss; hair. Most of our heat loss, in cold climates is from the top of the head, where hair is supposed to reside. And mine, it went to Hawaii without me.
I have hair growing profusely on my toes, legs, thighs, buttocks, back, chest, neck, arms, arm pits, hands, fingers, face, nose, belly button and growing out of my ears at an alarming rate! But the dome, it's as shiny as chrome. I have the infamous monk's cut and a minuscule amount of wispy fuzz on top that cannot and will not stop heat loss. Or even remotely prove attractive to the ladies of Alaska. They're tough, but not that tough. And they are potentially the greatest source of heat augmentation available for the night, which for us Alaskan, is six months of the year.
To placate them, the Alaskan female population, I tried a variety of comb over's.
The popular side over the top in two layers or more comb over was a dismal failure, my hair is so fine I had to glue it down; running fingers through that mess wasn't much of a thrill.
I tried the back and neck hair over the top comb over and ran out of gas about half way over the top, a dismal failure.
In a burst of inspiration, I tried the ear hair comb over to the center of the head for a rakish DA (a hold over from the 50's), and sadly, it wasn't very impressive.
Desperation followed inspiration and I combed my eyebrows backwards over the top off my head, but the hair on my back and neck got tangled with the eyebrow stuff and I couldn't blink my eyes for three days. A very painful lesson.
In despair and panic, I finally tried to pull my mustache and nose hairs over the top of my head as a comb over. During the unseemly process, I developed a nasal tickle and sneezed. Phew! Dear gawd that was awful. The air blast was so strong it took out my left nasal passage, my adenoids and half of my mustache. That was just wrong. My full length wall mirror is in shambles and will never be usable again.
Searching for an answer or hoping for an epiphany, I decided to slow down and ponder my situation a while; finally a solution crept ever so slowly into my lightly frozen dome.
That final solution; I had a swarm of butterfly's tattooed on top of my head, and got a bigger, warmer hat custom made for my winter wear. Then, I got married to one Lady; she keeps me warm during the long winter nights and giggles whenever my hat falls off exposing my butterflies. She never worries about me freezing or cheating on her.
Miserable damn gene pool…comb over’s were never included in the picture I had of myself.
By choice, I live in Alaska, one of the most beautiful, barren and cold areas on the face of the earth; Barrow, along with the vast interior regions, is particularly unwelcoming for the warm blooded. There we need to be able to keep warm to survive. That is a given! When the mean temperature outdoors has collapsed to a point so far below freezing that you can't spit, it's chilly. That's so cold in fact, that you must heat your thermometer with a torch just to get it to register. When it gets to that extreme, warmth isn't a luxury anymore, it's damn essential!
Under those conditions, we use refrigerators to defrost our food stuffs and liquor; if we want anything to be frozen we leave it on the front porch for ten minutes. Our problem isn't getting things cold, quite the opposite; we need to heat things up. Interestingly, during extremely cold weather, you can create a blizzard of brown snow by throwing hot coffee or tea up into the air and it'll return to the ground as snow. When younger, I tried to urinate outdoors during a cold snap to see if it would turn to snow, unfortunately I forgot to consider the direction of the wind and ended up.… Never mind, just remember not to eat yellow snow.
So, why the chilly build up? The foibles of genetics are a matter of grievous concern; I can work out doors in freezing weather for long periods of time, perhaps an hour or more, in a t-shirt while it snows or drizzles and actually break into a sweat. I suffer horribly in those ungodly warm areas south of the Canadian-American border. I get heat rash just thinking about traveling outside of Alaska. And sadly, I must wear a hat, even when it isn't convenient. What's the reason? Simply this; I am follicularly challenged. That's right, I am missing natures answer to cold climate heat loss; hair. Most of our heat loss, in cold climates is from the top of the head, where hair is supposed to reside. And mine, it went to Hawaii without me.
I have hair growing profusely on my toes, legs, thighs, buttocks, back, chest, neck, arms, arm pits, hands, fingers, face, nose, belly button and growing out of my ears at an alarming rate! But the dome, it's as shiny as chrome. I have the infamous monk's cut and a minuscule amount of wispy fuzz on top that cannot and will not stop heat loss. Or even remotely prove attractive to the ladies of Alaska. They're tough, but not that tough. And they are potentially the greatest source of heat augmentation available for the night, which for us Alaskan, is six months of the year.
To placate them, the Alaskan female population, I tried a variety of comb over's.
The popular side over the top in two layers or more comb over was a dismal failure, my hair is so fine I had to glue it down; running fingers through that mess wasn't much of a thrill.
I tried the back and neck hair over the top comb over and ran out of gas about half way over the top, a dismal failure.
In a burst of inspiration, I tried the ear hair comb over to the center of the head for a rakish DA (a hold over from the 50's), and sadly, it wasn't very impressive.
Desperation followed inspiration and I combed my eyebrows backwards over the top off my head, but the hair on my back and neck got tangled with the eyebrow stuff and I couldn't blink my eyes for three days. A very painful lesson.
In despair and panic, I finally tried to pull my mustache and nose hairs over the top of my head as a comb over. During the unseemly process, I developed a nasal tickle and sneezed. Phew! Dear gawd that was awful. The air blast was so strong it took out my left nasal passage, my adenoids and half of my mustache. That was just wrong. My full length wall mirror is in shambles and will never be usable again.
Searching for an answer or hoping for an epiphany, I decided to slow down and ponder my situation a while; finally a solution crept ever so slowly into my lightly frozen dome.
That final solution; I had a swarm of butterfly's tattooed on top of my head, and got a bigger, warmer hat custom made for my winter wear. Then, I got married to one Lady; she keeps me warm during the long winter nights and giggles whenever my hat falls off exposing my butterflies. She never worries about me freezing or cheating on her.
Miserable damn gene pool…comb over’s were never included in the picture I had of myself.
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