Inside every old person, is a young person looking to @#%&! escape!
June 15th 2007 23:37
Category: No Category
Old age, you know it's getting bad when;
1. Your sagging breasts get tangled up in your shoe strings.
2. Your spouse is checking your breasts for lumps.
3. The hair coming out of your ears and nose is in better shape than what you have on your head.
4. Your friends say you couldn't find your saggy butt with both hands and you prove them wrong by standing on both cheeks.
5. Your hearing has gotten so bad that you can't hear yourself think.
6. You're having problems chewing your broth.
7. Alzheimer's is no longer a buzz word; it's the source of all your new friends.
8. Men start fondling their privates in search of precancerous lumps instead of gratification or to start their day.
9. Sex, you remember how; it's the why you're puzzling over.
10. You wake up in the morning and can't recognize the other person in your bed without your glasses.
11. You wake your self up at night snoring and smack your mate.
12. You love a wild party from 3PM to 5PM.
13. Your evening aperitif contains more prune juice than liquor..
14. When your idea of a quickie is to get off of the toilet in less than thirty hours.
15. When it takes ten minutes to pee out ten seconds worth of liquid.
16. When your entire social life evolves around hospital visits and staffers.
17. You find that the only exercise that you get, or care to involve yourself in, are the assorted trips from the couch to the kitchen, couch to the bathroom, bathroom to the bathroom to finish what you started, back to the couch, back to the bathroom and wandering around until your exhausted self remembers where the couch is again.
18. Going to the dentist is less stressful than peeing.
19. Shopping becomes an outing that involves a motor home.
20. Little kids start trying to help you to cross streets and interpreting conversations.
21. No one in your family remembers your name at family functions.
22. Your closest friends remember attending your funeral.
23. Your miss your afternoon nap because you forgot to set your alarm prior to your morning nap and slept through it.
24. For you, late night television starts with the 6 o'clock news.
25. For men it's when the phrase, ".. women are meant to be obscene and not heard" has lost it's punch line.
26. For women it's when the phrase during sex. "..try another wrinkle" becomes a common expression.
27. When changing battery packs in adult appliances doesn't excite you anymore.
28. When chocolate really is better than sex.
29. When you can fearlessly say what to want to say and fart when you damn well want to.
30. For men, it's when every part of your body gets hard and stiff except for your penis.
31. When couples go to bed early and actually sleep.
32. When going to bed at night is a series of naps and pee runs.
33. You go into the bathroom to tidy up for a meeting and get to pulling hair out of your nose and forget what you went there for.
34. You look in the mirror and call the police thinking your home has been invaded.
35. Muggers don't bother.
36. Women no longer need to eat garlic mints to get some sleep at night.
37. Men can't remember their last chubby, let alone of why it popped up.
38. Women accidentally use a hemorrhoid ointment as a personal lubricant and kill their mate, who passes on with a smile of shock and awe.
39. Men are using eucalyptus balm as a sensitizer and wearing earplugs during sex.
40. Discover that men and women over 40 really are sexy.
41. Look at the nude sun bathers across the way and wonder who their plastic surgeon is.
42. Discover that after loosing 300 lbs you had enough extra skin to never be indecently exposed again.
43. Go with some friends to a new trendy night spot and report the club to the police for disturbing the peace.
44. Have so many hot flashes that friends invite you over in the winter to help lower their heating bill.
45. Hot young things set in your lap because they, "..know yer safe"., what can't get up, ain't getting out.
46. You go out with your new hottie and people keep asking if they're sick?
47. You go out to the newest singles bar and realize it's a laundromat cafe.
48. When you go to church, services begin with giving you last rites.
49. When you're introduced to all of the new office staff in the past tense.
50. You go to an important meeting, three days early; twice.
Hey, got a few zingers to add to the list? Go ahead, have at it.
Click on the link below to visit my other place:
Really Long Link
1. Your sagging breasts get tangled up in your shoe strings.
2. Your spouse is checking your breasts for lumps.
3. The hair coming out of your ears and nose is in better shape than what you have on your head.
4. Your friends say you couldn't find your saggy butt with both hands and you prove them wrong by standing on both cheeks.
5. Your hearing has gotten so bad that you can't hear yourself think.
6. You're having problems chewing your broth.
7. Alzheimer's is no longer a buzz word; it's the source of all your new friends.
8. Men start fondling their privates in search of precancerous lumps instead of gratification or to start their day.
9. Sex, you remember how; it's the why you're puzzling over.
10. You wake up in the morning and can't recognize the other person in your bed without your glasses.
11. You wake your self up at night snoring and smack your mate.
12. You love a wild party from 3PM to 5PM.
13. Your evening aperitif contains more prune juice than liquor..
14. When your idea of a quickie is to get off of the toilet in less than thirty hours.
15. When it takes ten minutes to pee out ten seconds worth of liquid.
16. When your entire social life evolves around hospital visits and staffers.
17. You find that the only exercise that you get, or care to involve yourself in, are the assorted trips from the couch to the kitchen, couch to the bathroom, bathroom to the bathroom to finish what you started, back to the couch, back to the bathroom and wandering around until your exhausted self remembers where the couch is again.
18. Going to the dentist is less stressful than peeing.
19. Shopping becomes an outing that involves a motor home.
20. Little kids start trying to help you to cross streets and interpreting conversations.
21. No one in your family remembers your name at family functions.
22. Your closest friends remember attending your funeral.
23. Your miss your afternoon nap because you forgot to set your alarm prior to your morning nap and slept through it.
24. For you, late night television starts with the 6 o'clock news.
25. For men it's when the phrase, ".. women are meant to be obscene and not heard" has lost it's punch line.
26. For women it's when the phrase during sex. "..try another wrinkle" becomes a common expression.
27. When changing battery packs in adult appliances doesn't excite you anymore.
28. When chocolate really is better than sex.
29. When you can fearlessly say what to want to say and fart when you damn well want to.
30. For men, it's when every part of your body gets hard and stiff except for your penis.
31. When couples go to bed early and actually sleep.
32. When going to bed at night is a series of naps and pee runs.
33. You go into the bathroom to tidy up for a meeting and get to pulling hair out of your nose and forget what you went there for.
34. You look in the mirror and call the police thinking your home has been invaded.
35. Muggers don't bother.
36. Women no longer need to eat garlic mints to get some sleep at night.
37. Men can't remember their last chubby, let alone of why it popped up.
38. Women accidentally use a hemorrhoid ointment as a personal lubricant and kill their mate, who passes on with a smile of shock and awe.
39. Men are using eucalyptus balm as a sensitizer and wearing earplugs during sex.
40. Discover that men and women over 40 really are sexy.
41. Look at the nude sun bathers across the way and wonder who their plastic surgeon is.
42. Discover that after loosing 300 lbs you had enough extra skin to never be indecently exposed again.
43. Go with some friends to a new trendy night spot and report the club to the police for disturbing the peace.
44. Have so many hot flashes that friends invite you over in the winter to help lower their heating bill.
45. Hot young things set in your lap because they, "..know yer safe"., what can't get up, ain't getting out.
46. You go out with your new hottie and people keep asking if they're sick?
47. You go out to the newest singles bar and realize it's a laundromat cafe.
48. When you go to church, services begin with giving you last rites.
49. When you're introduced to all of the new office staff in the past tense.
50. You go to an important meeting, three days early; twice.
Hey, got a few zingers to add to the list? Go ahead, have at it.
Click on the link below to visit my other place:
Really Long Link
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Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
katyzzz
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
I enjoyed your list...
For me it reads like this... 'Inside every old person is a young person wondering what the hell happened?' *lol*
That's me...although I'm getting used to it now...
Lilla ...
Comment by Fingertip Titans Unite
Idiots Among Us
Fingertip Titans
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
HAHAHAHAHA! Very funny!
Mis
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
hahaha, I did change the name and true to your word, you visit. Thank you.
Lilla,
I'll never get used to the shock I experience when I stand in front of a mirror; and I hate sniggering mirrors.
Fingertip Titan'
Yea, I know the little bitch weasel, she does that to be annoying. Ha, I'll still be going strong when that snotty nose kid turns into a hag with a walker.
Mis,
I'm glad you found the humor.
Thank you all for dropping by. Now git out the way, this walker is hard to maneuver in tight quarters.
Raven