My wife's former bad boy.
June 11th 2007 00:52
Category: No Category
I married very well; my wife may not have fared so well.
We have all had those relationships that didn’t pan out for one reason or another. And for those hardy souls who view blind dates and bad relationships as a contact sport; allow me to remind you of the level above that, “..those attempted relationships with demon spawn”. As hard as it is to get into a good relationship, try getting out of any relationship from hell.
Have I got stories for you, for example, “..there was this very busty little witch (literally), with a pentagram tattooed over her breasts and chest region. She was barefoot with black toenails, wearing a custom black, pre-gothic era, low cut (to the belly button) black gown. She greeted me in the lobby of a, not-so-classy, bus stop restaurant by spinning me around and biting me on the butt”. So help me that was the least extreme bit of her bizarre actions and behavior of the day. She seemed to feel that with her bite of approval, I was hers to have and abuse as she saw fit. She was so possessive, I moved out of state and the country to get away from her; the upshot, she was a buddy’s girlfriend.
Dating and relationships were a mystery to me, and remained so for decades. But the mystery of dating and relationships never seemed to plague the girls I knew in junior and high school, or the young women who graced my life with their charming smiles prior to my going into the military. Those ladies seemed to have made quantum leaps into the realm of adulthood, and once there, never seemed to be encumbered with somberly qualities adopted by men after getting to that same point in their lives; women seemed to retain some of their girlish personality forever. They can be light, cheerful and happy as mature adults.
As for us guys, we don’t seem to fare as well. They say men mature later than woman; I would have to admit to being a strong candidate for the immature male poster child. I spent years living on the razors edge, more than willing to die for lost causes and loose girlfriends I never really understood, than to stand tall for a committed relationship. But, at 19 years of age, I obtained situational maturity, and a sorely somber attitude. I was great body guard material, but a nonstarter as date enticing material and I was clueless when relationships went beyond a few hours in the bedroom.
I lived in a macho world; I was a marine and Viet Nam survivor, an adrenalin junky. I spent months at a time over the years living in a tent and dredging for gold in remote wilderness areas; raced super stock cars, drove junkers in figure eight races and demolition derbies; hunted and fished constantly; drank and brawled with the best of them all over Alaska during the pipeline; worked construction as a boomer all over the US, but I was a man who couldn’t seen able to master the art of a relationship where a woman was involved. I could hang with thugs, thieves and thespians, but not with women of merit, they baffled me.
It isn’t that I lacked talent; I could paint, draw, sculpt and had an agent to handle my work. As a cabinet maker and finish carpenter I shined. I knew interesting people; Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, Tim Leary, Ed Mitchell, Pir Vilayat Inayat Khan to name a few. And still, I couldn’t make a relationship work. I did try marriage, a couple or three times.
I married just prior to going to Viet Nam, while there, she lived with my best friend’s older brother and even though she tried to hang with me when I returned. It didn’t work; the good news, we had a son and after being separated for over twenty years, she got permission from her husband of the day, visited me and let me know that she felt that she hadn’t given me a fair shake. I had always felts that there was a quality person residing inside her somewhere; I was right. That fiasco haunted me.
Understanding that I needed to get a clue, I studied major world religions, mysticism and magik, went to college and still didn’t get it. I have been exorcised to remove demons, prayed over and flogged to no avail. I fasted my butt off, many times, trying to get in touch spiritually with the real me. I really couldn’t hold on to that will-of-the wisp, relational maturity. When it came to woman, emotional maturity wasn’t there and neither was the knowledge concerning the art of personality. Hey, my brothers married successfully, but I couldn’t stay involved with anyone for more than a few months. How was that possible, we came from the vicinity of the same gene pool?
Finally, an epiphany; something was wrong! After a lady (my third wife) pulled a pistol and attempted to shoot me on two separate occasions, and split my head open with a shovel on another it became crystal clear that I didn’t bring warmth and security into our relationship.
Honestly, relational maturity didn’t begin to arrive until the harsh light of reality set in. I had some serious issues; I found out about those issues after several visits to a VA hospital. My life of bravado, the incessant search for excitement was made clear to me and it was pointed out that it was definitely not conducive for stable relationships.
I had issues besides PTSD, a gift from the Viet Nam era that kept on giving, because as an adult, I had never been able to view women as anything other than either;
A.) A human being with long hair, soft curves, a vagina, souls that demanded pleasure, and a personality with a murderous streak or,
B.) Keepers of the womb, angels of mercy that tended to the wounded and full time godless wood sprites that stole your soul when they weren’t divorcing you for your property and moving in with the new man of the day. Yes, the classic whore vs Madonna conflict.
What did PTSD have to do with that? Although help was needed regarding the military issues, it was very risky for men to counsel me, if it got into a male pissing match or my safety felt threatened those men were at risk. There have been rumors of severe to moderate injuries reported. Paradoxically, male and female therapists who down played their gender roles were actually able to get through to me, where the men alone usually triggered me.
Over the course of several years, I got used to the idea of women having ideals and convictions that I could relate to and even admire. And limp wristed men ceased being an irritant to my way of thinking.
At some innocuous point during that period, I met a lady who absolutely captured my attention. She has a strong personal presence and when we were within proximity of one another, I could feel her even if she couldn’t be seen. She is college educated, independent and very well spoken. The only swearing I have ever heard pass over her lips was, “damn and shit” which she promptly apologized for saying. She had survived two failed marriages and didn’t have anything bad to say about her ex’s. She was divorced by one husband while in the hospital giving birth to their son. And, to support her child, she started and ran her clothing business successfully for years before I met her. She defends even those she dislikes and isn’t vitriolic in any form. She is a peace maker, a wonderful lady of merit.
Our first dates were a comedy of errors, but she patiently waited for things to settle down and finally, her faith and patience was rewarded. We actually had some very remarkable outings and later married. It seemed to be a natural extension to our relationship. She truly played, laughed and sang away many of my inner demons. She taught me how to fly again and allowed me to crash occasionally without condemnation. She has allowed me to play the buffoon and fool enough for me to be comfortable. She shared with me the art of sexuality, intimacy and loving sensuality; new grounds for this man. I learned to talk with her and not at her; we share many secrets like naughty little children. I even confided to her that I was willing to live for her, and that I wanted to live one day longer than she did, so I could hold her as she transitioned so she wouldn’t be afraid.
She is a lady of striking features and great beauty that is always obvious but never flaunted. People gravitate towards her because of her genuine wholesomeness.
As I state somewhere in my MySpace.com page, “ I am married to the foremost joy of my life, a lady of merit with whom I share foot rubs, hot chocolate and romantic comedies.” Truly, her love and acceptance has inspired me be a better man, one that is finding relational maturity a remarkably painless transition. And I would hope that others find the same inspiration in their mates as I have found in mine.
Signed: A former bad boy.
We have all had those relationships that didn’t pan out for one reason or another. And for those hardy souls who view blind dates and bad relationships as a contact sport; allow me to remind you of the level above that, “..those attempted relationships with demon spawn”. As hard as it is to get into a good relationship, try getting out of any relationship from hell.
Have I got stories for you, for example, “..there was this very busty little witch (literally), with a pentagram tattooed over her breasts and chest region. She was barefoot with black toenails, wearing a custom black, pre-gothic era, low cut (to the belly button) black gown. She greeted me in the lobby of a, not-so-classy, bus stop restaurant by spinning me around and biting me on the butt”. So help me that was the least extreme bit of her bizarre actions and behavior of the day. She seemed to feel that with her bite of approval, I was hers to have and abuse as she saw fit. She was so possessive, I moved out of state and the country to get away from her; the upshot, she was a buddy’s girlfriend.
Dating and relationships were a mystery to me, and remained so for decades. But the mystery of dating and relationships never seemed to plague the girls I knew in junior and high school, or the young women who graced my life with their charming smiles prior to my going into the military. Those ladies seemed to have made quantum leaps into the realm of adulthood, and once there, never seemed to be encumbered with somberly qualities adopted by men after getting to that same point in their lives; women seemed to retain some of their girlish personality forever. They can be light, cheerful and happy as mature adults.
As for us guys, we don’t seem to fare as well. They say men mature later than woman; I would have to admit to being a strong candidate for the immature male poster child. I spent years living on the razors edge, more than willing to die for lost causes and loose girlfriends I never really understood, than to stand tall for a committed relationship. But, at 19 years of age, I obtained situational maturity, and a sorely somber attitude. I was great body guard material, but a nonstarter as date enticing material and I was clueless when relationships went beyond a few hours in the bedroom.
I lived in a macho world; I was a marine and Viet Nam survivor, an adrenalin junky. I spent months at a time over the years living in a tent and dredging for gold in remote wilderness areas; raced super stock cars, drove junkers in figure eight races and demolition derbies; hunted and fished constantly; drank and brawled with the best of them all over Alaska during the pipeline; worked construction as a boomer all over the US, but I was a man who couldn’t seen able to master the art of a relationship where a woman was involved. I could hang with thugs, thieves and thespians, but not with women of merit, they baffled me.
It isn’t that I lacked talent; I could paint, draw, sculpt and had an agent to handle my work. As a cabinet maker and finish carpenter I shined. I knew interesting people; Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, Tim Leary, Ed Mitchell, Pir Vilayat Inayat Khan to name a few. And still, I couldn’t make a relationship work. I did try marriage, a couple or three times.
I married just prior to going to Viet Nam, while there, she lived with my best friend’s older brother and even though she tried to hang with me when I returned. It didn’t work; the good news, we had a son and after being separated for over twenty years, she got permission from her husband of the day, visited me and let me know that she felt that she hadn’t given me a fair shake. I had always felts that there was a quality person residing inside her somewhere; I was right. That fiasco haunted me.
Understanding that I needed to get a clue, I studied major world religions, mysticism and magik, went to college and still didn’t get it. I have been exorcised to remove demons, prayed over and flogged to no avail. I fasted my butt off, many times, trying to get in touch spiritually with the real me. I really couldn’t hold on to that will-of-the wisp, relational maturity. When it came to woman, emotional maturity wasn’t there and neither was the knowledge concerning the art of personality. Hey, my brothers married successfully, but I couldn’t stay involved with anyone for more than a few months. How was that possible, we came from the vicinity of the same gene pool?
Finally, an epiphany; something was wrong! After a lady (my third wife) pulled a pistol and attempted to shoot me on two separate occasions, and split my head open with a shovel on another it became crystal clear that I didn’t bring warmth and security into our relationship.
Honestly, relational maturity didn’t begin to arrive until the harsh light of reality set in. I had some serious issues; I found out about those issues after several visits to a VA hospital. My life of bravado, the incessant search for excitement was made clear to me and it was pointed out that it was definitely not conducive for stable relationships.
I had issues besides PTSD, a gift from the Viet Nam era that kept on giving, because as an adult, I had never been able to view women as anything other than either;
A.) A human being with long hair, soft curves, a vagina, souls that demanded pleasure, and a personality with a murderous streak or,
B.) Keepers of the womb, angels of mercy that tended to the wounded and full time godless wood sprites that stole your soul when they weren’t divorcing you for your property and moving in with the new man of the day. Yes, the classic whore vs Madonna conflict.
What did PTSD have to do with that? Although help was needed regarding the military issues, it was very risky for men to counsel me, if it got into a male pissing match or my safety felt threatened those men were at risk. There have been rumors of severe to moderate injuries reported. Paradoxically, male and female therapists who down played their gender roles were actually able to get through to me, where the men alone usually triggered me.
Over the course of several years, I got used to the idea of women having ideals and convictions that I could relate to and even admire. And limp wristed men ceased being an irritant to my way of thinking.
At some innocuous point during that period, I met a lady who absolutely captured my attention. She has a strong personal presence and when we were within proximity of one another, I could feel her even if she couldn’t be seen. She is college educated, independent and very well spoken. The only swearing I have ever heard pass over her lips was, “damn and shit” which she promptly apologized for saying. She had survived two failed marriages and didn’t have anything bad to say about her ex’s. She was divorced by one husband while in the hospital giving birth to their son. And, to support her child, she started and ran her clothing business successfully for years before I met her. She defends even those she dislikes and isn’t vitriolic in any form. She is a peace maker, a wonderful lady of merit.
Our first dates were a comedy of errors, but she patiently waited for things to settle down and finally, her faith and patience was rewarded. We actually had some very remarkable outings and later married. It seemed to be a natural extension to our relationship. She truly played, laughed and sang away many of my inner demons. She taught me how to fly again and allowed me to crash occasionally without condemnation. She has allowed me to play the buffoon and fool enough for me to be comfortable. She shared with me the art of sexuality, intimacy and loving sensuality; new grounds for this man. I learned to talk with her and not at her; we share many secrets like naughty little children. I even confided to her that I was willing to live for her, and that I wanted to live one day longer than she did, so I could hold her as she transitioned so she wouldn’t be afraid.
She is a lady of striking features and great beauty that is always obvious but never flaunted. People gravitate towards her because of her genuine wholesomeness.
As I state somewhere in my MySpace.com page, “ I am married to the foremost joy of my life, a lady of merit with whom I share foot rubs, hot chocolate and romantic comedies.” Truly, her love and acceptance has inspired me be a better man, one that is finding relational maturity a remarkably painless transition. And I would hope that others find the same inspiration in their mates as I have found in mine.
Signed: A former bad boy.
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