Sage Advise ..forget Raw Garlic on the first date.
June 15th 2007 06:33
Category: No Category
Dear god in heaven! What have you been eating? My sinuses are broken, burnt out and I can still smell your garlic breath. Shoot me, put me out of my misery. Call 911, I’ve been assaulted.
Any of those comments sound familiar? Don’t fret, I hear them all of the time; don’t let anyone get you down, garlic is our friend. Here are a few practical uses for the divinely pungent spice.
1. Rather than a fake headache to get out of sex or to punish some twit, you should eat four or five cloves of garlic prior to going to bed. That way when the source of your frustration starts fumbling your nether regions, moan breathily and say, “wooooooooo… babe, yer cranking me up. Let’s do it”. Then pant a few times, that should get you a few hours of peace.
2. Trying to get out of a date? Pop a few garlic breath mints and you’re home free.
3. Garlic breath could set you free when going in for grilling at your local police station.
4. To avoid getting ill during the flu season, eat lots of raw garlic, wear a face mask and cough heavily when anyone bugs you. You’ll get well faster, because they’ll leave.
5. Hate crowded tour buses, concerts, charter fishing boats; no problem, chew a few garlic cloves and soon you’ll have plenty of room.
6. Noisy neighbors keeping you up all night with their loud BBQ’s? Try this, keep a large patch of garlic growing in your garden or yard. When the noise levels creeps up beyond your comfort level; go mow your lawn. The resulting fragrance will clear the yard.
7. Class reunions boring you to death? Drop your drawers, expose your privates while chewing garlic cloves and offer to debate the merit of your actions. Could be fun.
8. Guys when the missus wants to quarrel and you don’t, get out the garlic clove chewing gum and you’ll find the discussion very short.
9. Girls, is some guy at the pub being more than a nuisance? Fire up a mouthful of garlic cloves and sexily whisper sweet nothing in his ears, maybe even make an offer to exchange a little spit. If he doesn’t spew his pub and grub all over the place; he might be a keeper.
10. You want to get out of jury duty, bring plenty of raw garlic poppers and chow down. If you aren’t convicted of reckless endangerment and lynched by your peers; you’ll be gone before the first day is over.
11. Want to know when you’ve had enough to drink at your favorite watering hole? Have a friend or friends munch garlic about an hour after you’ve gone for an outing with them and drink until you can’t smell their breath anymore or it’s not offensive. When that happens, stop drinking.
12. If you do drink and drive, carry a baggie of the raw garlic herb and should you get pulled over eat a handful of the spice immediately. When quizzed about whether or not you’ve been drinking, cough in the direction of the office a couple of times and swear you’re suffering from food poisoning. You’ll probably pull it off.
13. In-laws come over for a, heh heh heh, short visit; ramp up the raw garlic snacks and get cuddly when you talk with them. They should be gone in a few hours if you play your garlic right. When the mate asks what happened, shrug yer shoulders and say,”..dunno, maybe something in the air made them sick”.
14. Jehovah witnesses showing up on your porch stoops? They’re easy to get rid of with this simple prescription; eat about 6 cloves of, wait for it …garlic, and start sharing philosophies with them. Make sure that you’re nose to nose while talking and that all ventilation is closed off. Works in tough neighborhoods as well.
15. Got a tasty watermelon or some other treat you don’t feel like sharing? Crush garlic on your chopping board, brush away the pulp and save it for a future BBQ, then slice the melon and place it face down in the juice. The resulting flavor mix will keep everyone out of your snack. It’s mean but effective.
16. Well, to keep the peace with your mate, when their breath goes over the top from garlic to the point that toothpaste and mouthwash doesn’t help. Try this; eat enough raw garlic of your own until you can’t smell the offenders breath any more. It’ll allow you to be intimate and should you have to leave for the night, you can rest assured that they aren’t going to be cheating on you. Unless the cheater has read this same blog.
Raw garlic is the Holy Grail of spices; if it doesn’t kill you through overuse; it’ll heal you of about every ailment known to mankind, especially when it's mixed with natural honey and vinegar. Does anyone know what unnatural honey or vinegar look like?
Want to share your favorite garlic tales? Send me a comment and share the knowledge.
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