Twelve Commandments for Husbands [ As Interpreted by…Raven]
June 21st 2007 03:57
Category: No Category
If imperfections and flaws give us character, then I'm your character. When I ran into this blog on MySpace.com written by VW (Virtuous Woman), I was a smitten man and decided to share. It follows below:
1. Thou shalt love thy wife and commit thyself to her for a lifetime of oneness in marriage - divine and indivisible. Thou shalt make of thy marriage an exclusive relationship so that thy wife shall never have occasion to doubt thy love nor occasion for jealousy or lack of trust. As the scriptures say, "Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25); "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder" (Mark 10:9); "Cleave unto thy wife" (Genesis 2:24).
[Interpreted. Love and keep her until the new wears off or one of the two of you sobers up. During the interim do a lot of cleaving to one another, and yell, “..oooooooh god”, during those monumental upwelling’s of passion to keep others away. Make sure to have the pre-nuptial agreement notarized and on file before the cleaving together, the sobering up and the putting asunder.]
2. Thou shalt seek to understand thy wife. Thou shalt not be able to understand her, but thou shalt make a lifetime effort to do so. As the scriptures say, "Husbands, dwell with your wives according to knowledge" (1 Peter 3:7).
[Interpreted. Understand this; your carefree days spent watching televised shows about sports, hunting and fishing, Victoria Secrets swimsuit specials and the news are officially over. However, offering a little extra cleaving time to your wife may buy some free time; failing that, try conversing with her about …man stuff. Sports, hunting and fishing, Victoria Secrets swimsuit specials and the news]
3. Thou shalt talk to thy wife when thou comest home from thy work, when thou sittest in thine house, when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. Thou shalt at times turn off the television to assure thy wife she is more cherished than your favorite program, for communication is an expression of love. As the scriptures say, "Live a life of love" (Ephesians 5:2).
[Interpreted. Ask the missus, “…ya wanna chat or do a little cleaving, that's right ..with me", before turning on the television after you get home from work, the pub or when getting into bed. If getting into bed, pat her behind in an appreciative way and don’t answer any questions that start out with, “…does this make my butt look big”, or anything similar. And, for crying out loud, remember to occasionally thank her, for a prompt response to, “.. fetch me a @#$&! beer or where’s the bleeping @#$&! television remote!!!”]
4. Thou shalt not talk down to thy wife nor use sarcasm or ridicule. Thou shalt not belittle her, for her sense of self-worth is much dependent on your appreciation and encouragement of her. As the scriptures say, "Love is kind" (1 Corinthians 13:4), and again, "Do everything without complaining or arguing" (Philippians 2:14), and again, "In honor prefer one another" (Romans 12:10).
[Interpreted. Review #3 above, especially the, “…does this make my butt look big” part, it’s a trap. If she wants to wear spandex and prance about like a love sick fairy whose cup is in sideways, let her! Let her know that regardless of the number of chins, bra lumps, triple butt cheek and fat rolls that are going to manifest in time; she’s the love of your life and you can always drink away any vile image that may unceremoniously get stuck in the mirror. Stay away from mirrors when she is in the room, it’s a temptation issue.]
5. Thou shalt listen to thy wife, asking for her advice and opinions, and recognizing her mental abilities and talents, as Abraham asked and followed Sarah's advice. As the scriptures say, "Love is not proud or rude" (1 Corinthians 13:4-5.)
[Interpreted. Get a new mp3 player and tell her that it’s a hearing aid. When she decides she wants to talk, act like you’re listening, turn on your new hearing aid, then stare at her and nod your head every time her lips stop moving. You may not get it right every time, but its better than getting it wrong every time without the player.]
6. Thou shalt not lord it over thy wife, recognizing that the two of you are equal before God and that leadership in the home does not mean dictatorship. Neither does it mean being waited on nor having the best piece of chicken. Leadership means moral, financial, and spiritual responsibilities. Headship in the home also means sacrifice and service. As the scriptures say, "Submit yourselves one to another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21), and "Husbands, do not be harsh with them" (Colossians 3:19). Thou shalt not abdicate thy leadership role because of apathy or indifference, for love cares and bears all things.
[Interpreted. As equals, let her get a job of her choice and as head of the house, show her how to spend the money on take out, sports and booze. Make sure that none is squandered on debts or charitable works outside the home. Again, remember to occasionally thank her, for a prompt response to, “.. fetch me a @#$&! beer or where’s the my bleeping @#$&! dinner!!! It’s only right, after all, as leader of the home, you gave up womanizing for her now make it count for something.]
7. Thou shalt see that thy wife is thy best friend. The closest of all human relationships is marriage and it should know joyous comradeship, with laughter and good humor. Thou shalt share affection and confidences with thy wife and long to be in her presence. As the scriptures say, "Live joyfully with thy wife whom thou lovest" (Ecclesiastes 9:9).
[Interpreted. Get some chewing gum, rose colored sunglasses and ear plugs; this one is going to be tough. Refrain from referring to her as, “bud, dude, man or my bitch”. Share the joy of televised shows about sports, hunting and fishing, Victoria Secrets swimsuit specials and the news with your missus. Take her hunting, fishing and for long walks in the shallows gigging frogs or fish, it’s a great way to encourage bonding; or offer up some of that cleaving together action. Remember to smile and not laugh when she shares her, “feelings” and “viewpoints”, it’ll make for better cleaving together later.]
8. Thou shalt help thy wife in all those ways that sacrificial love would help, giving her of thy time, money, attention, affection (yea, even washing the dishes as needed), remembering that the scriptures say, "Bear ye one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2).
[Interpreted. Ya lazy slob, toss your clothes in a pile next the laundry hamper instead of all over the house and bathroom; haul your own beer bottles, your take out containers and the incidental dirty dishes from the living room to the kitchen every two or three days; have one of the kids do the dishes, mow the lawn, empty the trash and clean out the ash trays weekly, sooner if you plan that far ahead; bathe and shave weekly. And remember to dole out some cash now and then to pay for the takeout or beer. The biggie item, lower the lid on the toilet and rinse the sink after you pee or spit in either one.]
9. Thou shalt accept thy wife as she is. Thou shalt not expect perfection. Thou shalt forgive her of her mistakes and confess thine own to her, remembering that "love covereth all sins" (Prov. 10:12). "Forgive each other as God in Christ has forgiven you" (Ephesians 4:32).
[Interpreted. She believes that being 5 pounds over weight is going to turn you out of the house, straight into the arms of some svelte, beer swilling, 20 year old porn queen (you can only dream), you know that your being 50 pounds above your fighting weight is no biggie; you’re married! You’re guaranteed an opportunity to enjoy home cooked meals, maid service, access to extra cash and some occasional cleaving together. Why would you want to disturb that by telling her what you really think. You didn’t sober up did you?]
10. Thou shalt practice tenderness as the essential emotion, realizing that sex is a gift of God which expresses and enhances love. Sex is giving joy as well as receiving it. Thou shalt consider that nothing can erode the sexual union more than selfishness. Remember the scriptures say, "The husband's body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife" (1 Corinthians 7:4); "Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies" (Ephesians 5:28); "As ye would that (she) should do unto you do ye even so unto (her)" (Matthew 7:12).
[Interpreted. It’s only fair to give her notice of your inflamed affection. Reach for the tingling KY body lotion or balm, apply it to all pertinent areas of interest and share a tender and intimate moment by whispering, “..brace yerself love, I’m in dire need of some cleaving”. When that 30 seconds of actions starts, please, do try to write a letter instead of a note with your pen and bear in mind that carefully crafted strokes in penmanship matters.]
11. Thou shalt in some way each day show thy wife that "I need you," that "I appreciate you," and that "I want to help you." So shalt thy marriage become a strong and blest tie that binds two hearts in Christian love.
[Interpreted. Show up home after work before 10 PM and before the bar closes without lipstick on the collar or boxers. It’ll help keep peace in the home.]
12. And should thy marriage become trying and seemingly an endurance contest, thou shalt not give up. Thou shalt "bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, endure all things" (1 Corinthians 13:7). Thou shalt trust thy God who is love and who is the God of the resurrection to rekindle and renew thy love. Thou shalt treat thy wife as thou didst when love was new. And having done all, thou shalt "suffer long" and "cast thy burdens on the Lord" knowing that he careth for thee and thy mate (1 Peter 5:7).
[Interpreted. Enforce the terms of the prenuptial agreement and head straight into the arms of some svelte, beer swilling, 20 year old porn queen. It’ll give her something to talk about through the next two losers she’ll hook up with while on the rebound. Oh, and keep sending your, “..received your alimony payment” thank you cards. It’s only fair.]
Raven
P.S. This was posted without my wife's prior written approval. I changed the name of this blog, because I can and because it fits what I have to say. And if David gets this far, I understand:
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Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
Which commandment does the picture [revolting] come into?
I would have thought 10 was more than enough for any man to cope with and these do seem even more extreme than the original 10 which we all try to keep, despite the fact there is not much in the way of marital guidance there.
katyzzz
Comment by David
I got this far because the Post is hilarious. Great pick. I do, however, have to admit that I dwelt on the image at the end of the Post a little longer than the text. (Great pic?).
By the way, I love your 'writing/creative studio' (in your banner pic). It's a great set up. It makes me nostalgic and a bit envious. I used to have a great home-office once upon a time.
David ...
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Coffee Quip
The (gross?) picture is a guy thing; a reward for pressing forward in the blog long enough to reach the end. Such effort should be rewarded.
Most of us guys have never read the original ten commandments all of the way through, or understood the portions of it that we did peruse.
But someone said that love sums up the entire law contained in the ten commandments. And love certainly is the glue that binds me to the commitment I've made to my wife. Practicing love is the way I demonstrate my commitment to her.
My reward? I experience that love reflected back at me, in spite of my many shortcomings.
Raven
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Coffee Quip
It was with mild fear and trepidation, trembling fingers and macho angst that I posted that (gross?) image.
BTW. Fox news just interrupted their normal broadcast format to notify viewers about the following: Paris will be released from her failed containment cell this next Monday. Hope is once again revived; bachelors the world over are sighing a breath relief.
The refrigerator behind me is my nemesis, it sits behind me calling my name, mocking my will power and undermining my concentration.
Part of my art studio is directly in front of my desk, towards the area where windows with sunlight streaming through them should be located. During Alaskan winters; forget the streaming sunlight.
Raven
Comment by JohnDoe
Film & TV on DVD
Paris Hilton looks stoned out of her brain in that pictures, maybe she did some crack before hand..all the easier to pry open.....with a full body condom.
Comment by Damo
Buy the the time I took my eyes off it I had forgotten the text.
So I started again got to the picture at the bottom and forgot it again.
Third time lucky.
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Coffee Quip
Guy's, I've tripped over this photo all day long, it's disgusting, shameful and I can't pull my eyes away, ...even with the body condom.
Raven
Comment by D. Armenta
The Florida Keys and Everglades
The Black Sheep Chronicles
What constitutes bad manners?
The male mystique
Debate Fan
L.A.M.P.
I wish I could read this post, because it looks funny.
I can't though, because it is cut off by the right sidebar.
D.
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Coffee Quip
She's still dazed from astrally projecting herself from prison with more energy than she realized and then running full force into the shadow of a real personality. She was dazed for hours.
Your wish has been granted, check your messages.
Cheers.
Raven
Comment by D. Armenta
The Florida Keys and Everglades
The Black Sheep Chronicles
What constitutes bad manners?
The male mystique
Debate Fan
L.A.M.P.
But y'know, #5 could trip you up..suppose she's saying, "I've got tickets to the high school's production of 'Cats'; will you go with me?"
Or
"May I use your new razor to shave my legs?"
Or
"Don't you think Brad Pitt is sexy?"
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Coffee Quip
Shallow dolts that we are, if a little post Cats cleaving together action were hinted at, we'd probably go for it.
I can see myself getting barefoot from head to toe in a mili-heartbeat at the mere suggestion of a mutuall leg shaving tub party, did I say that out loud?
Brad Pitt, sexy? As long as he isn't standing next to Angelina, sure...well, maybe. Are reality glasses involved?
Wow, that darn #5 is problematic.
Raven
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
I love girls, and I recently wrote a comment to John Doe about my passion for blondes, but I dont get the Paris thing. I guess I dont like knowing its been used....Oh sure, I accept Im not first to the post and all, but geez, do I have to know that many dirty details....I like innocent looking ones....I think Porno Jim might get what I mean....
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Coffee Quip
Porno Jim is suffering from chronic PH info overload and checked himself into rehab; this was after admitting that he didn't really want to know her inside and out in such a literal manner.
At the center, PJ's pathetic; keeps mumbling something about despicable waitresses...
BTW, he says hello and he's down with the innocent blond thing.
Raven
Comment by Wendi
I had the same problem as D. Armenta on this one, trouble reading due to the side bar. However, I've stumbled onto this great copy and paste trick (*grins and rolls eyes at self*), so was able to read it just fine in microsoft word.
And, like D., I found #5 problematic... only instead of thinking tickets, cats, hairy legs, or Brad Pitt, I was reflecting on the whole, "... does my butt look big" scenerio, imagining the expression on the wife's face in response to your smiles and nods. Then again, that could lead to more cleaving.
Love your interpretation of # 8...
Ah, Paris... how boring would life be without her?
Great post...
W
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Coffee Quip
Hmm, the nefarious sidebar issue. I use Mozilla Firefox and haven't encountered that problem. IE gives me fits, never Firefox.
I'm of the mindset that strict attention paid to #5 and #8 will keep a guy out of most of the trouble we get ourselves into.
Aaaaah, our spring time Paris, she gets out of the slammer on Monday. With the bash her father has planned as her 'newly released' party, she may be back in the big house on Wednesday for parole violations of some sort.
Thank you for dropping in.
Raven
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Coffee Quip
Odd, PJ's breathing pattern just changed significantly while reading your warm comment.
aaaaaaaaah, crap, give it rest Jim!!! You're going back into rehab, that's just disgusting ...you sick ... twisted freak.
Thanks a lot Kleo.
Raven
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
BTW, neighbors dogs are heard but not seen. Alls well for the moment.
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Coffee Quip
Tisha my wife is so normal and well adjusted that she scares me at times, I live in awe of her.
Quiet dawgs bring with them a blessing of silence. That is great news.
Raven
Comment by MaaUpma
Indus Guru
Vastu - The Indian Science of Dwelling
EGurumantra - Demystifying India
But Imagine if each husband makes these promises at the time of marriage won'nt the divorce rates go down.
In traditional Indian weddings the wife seeks 4 promises from her man and makes 3 promises to him during the 7 pheras they both take around the holy fire.
I guess that is one of the reasons why Indian marriages are relatively more stable.
Ma Upma