tlcorbinWhy I abhor Dentists...it's way personal.
June 23rd 2007 01:53
Category: No Category
Have a heart, gimme a break. I said I’m going to the dentist, damn it! Gimme a minute will you? I'd rather cleanse my colon with Draino than go for dental work.
In light of my recent blog posts, wherein I grumbled and cried like a foo boy, due in part to a nerve rending toothache, I‘ve decided to face up to this ..issue. The truth of the matter is this; dentists aren’t high on my list of favorite people. As a matter of fact, dentists rank just a single slot lower than the infamous and nefarious antiblogger, long feared world wide. To talk about this issue, I will not be speaking in the first person; I need distance from the dental realm, as much distance as possible.
The friendly advice parroted by so many concerned, but heartless souls, condemning me to the pits of orthodontic hell: “..I think that you need to visit the dentist”! Aaaaarrgggh! That is the baleful and heartrending cry of endless pain, from the wounded man animal, known as Raven (the incontinent; fear will do that for you). Yo, ..God! I need a heaving breast to rest my wearied head upon, I mean, can I get a little relief here? It figures, no answer except for some mocking background chuckles, by local sniggling fanatics. I don’t really like sniggers.
Picture a young innocent, 11 years of age, precariously perched at the top of an all steel playground slide, working up the courage to launch himself down the frost encrusted daredevil device. He proudly wears his stylishly old scouting uniform, his new scout neckerchief is flapping in the gentle frost laden fall air, his official scout cap is worn in a slightly rakish manner and he is full of exuberant youthful confidence. Thus staged upon the launching pad, at the top of the all steel playground slide, he surveys his feet and notes that he has on his new official hard heeled, all leather soled, scout shoes on as he ponders this attempt to launch himself down the slide into the unknown and onto the mantel of scout cool-dom.
Promptly at 8PM local standard time, he launches his well dressed, scout uniform wearing, bony, nonreasoning ass downward, into the abyss. Plummeting downward, our intrepid scout hits mach one. In a moment of rare clarity ..an epiphany surfaces and our scout realizes that hard leather heels and soles offers little in the way friction against frost encrusted metal, and disaster is forthcoming in a micro heartbeat. The uncontrollable exiting pirouette at the slides terminus brings our intrepid young scouts’ mouth and teeth into a violent meeting with the frozen metal floor of the all steel playground slide. Failing in his attempt to secure a position as a hero on the mantle place of scout cool-dom; he resigned himself to the scout fool-dom wall of shame. Forty years later, that is all his Boy Scout cronies care to recall about the incident. Wankers.
Adding insult to injury, at 8:15PM our young scout was the featured live first aid dummy at that evenings Boy Scout official meeting turned cirque de sade. The humiliation was now largely complete. The coup de grace came the following morning, and was delivered by the devilish woman of his fathers delight and our scouts very own mother, when she handed our hapless lad over to the demonic personage she claimed was the dentist of her youth. The future antiblogger was about to reveal himself.
The demonic presence manifested itself as a balding, pot bellied, squat toady form of a man thing, with wispy hair, a thicket of eyebrows harboring live dandruff and dressed up in a filthy grey dental smock like cloak, with legging clad pseudo pods protruding out from below and it (Toadman) was reeking of the cheapest of the cheap whiskeys in the world. When he spoke, I gagged and retched into the spittle sink. Several times.
Yup, you’ve got it, I had now been dragged into this nightmare in the first person, rather than my favorite third or fourth person position,much more preferred if I could have had my druthers. Where this blinking story was headed, no intrepid Boy Scout had any business going.
Toadman brought forth a rusty syringe from another plane, it was the size of a caulk gun with a foot long needle and he gleefully violated the interior of my mouth for what seemed like hours, but were only minutes (many, many, many of them). And before the pain numbing serum that he was supposedly injecting into my gums, tongue, roof of mouth, neck and shoulder had taken full affect, he jumped into hyper space and outed expertly perched with his 180 lb self upon my 80 lb person. Crap. To make matters worse, the sadistic bastard spawn of the antiblogger brought tools with him. Dear god in heaven I found Jesus the instant he ripped into my gums with a pair of dental pliers, literally, and started tearing out gum and teeth like a diesel mechanic in a chop shop. Do you think I could pull up the presence of mind to feint or something equally age appropriate for the moment? Hell no, my sick macho inner prick sadistically kept me alert through the entire gore and pain filled experience. I had been inducted into orthodontic hell.
The pain numbing affects of the serum did finally start kicking in, about the time the brood womb offered me a hot generic popsicle as a peace offering ( hot as in stolen from a local shop), which I wiped at my face for about ½ hour while trekking homeward. We remained incommunicado for years over this incident. I tried in vain to join the Marine Corps that following summer, thinking it couldn’t be any worse than my sojourn into orthodontic hell; and the Corp would definitely have been more nurturing than what the queen of darkness was doling out. She had after all, offered me up to the pits.
Be afraid of dentists, be very afraid! Look how they treat their favorite pets for crying out loud.
And you wonder why I am reluctant to see a dentist: wrap your mind around this factoid, what I have just described was one on the better visits I have had with those sick twisted drill freaks.
Raven, is asking; do you really want to join me on my next dental venture?
The friendly advice parroted by so many concerned, but heartless souls, condemning me to the pits of orthodontic hell: “..I think that you need to visit the dentist”! Aaaaarrgggh! That is the baleful and heartrending cry of endless pain, from the wounded man animal, known as Raven (the incontinent; fear will do that for you). Yo, ..God! I need a heaving breast to rest my wearied head upon, I mean, can I get a little relief here? It figures, no answer except for some mocking background chuckles, by local sniggling fanatics. I don’t really like sniggers.
Promptly at 8PM local standard time, he launches his well dressed, scout uniform wearing, bony, nonreasoning ass downward, into the abyss. Plummeting downward, our intrepid scout hits mach one. In a moment of rare clarity ..an epiphany surfaces and our scout realizes that hard leather heels and soles offers little in the way friction against frost encrusted metal, and disaster is forthcoming in a micro heartbeat. The uncontrollable exiting pirouette at the slides terminus brings our intrepid young scouts’ mouth and teeth into a violent meeting with the frozen metal floor of the all steel playground slide. Failing in his attempt to secure a position as a hero on the mantle place of scout cool-dom; he resigned himself to the scout fool-dom wall of shame. Forty years later, that is all his Boy Scout cronies care to recall about the incident. Wankers.
Yup, you’ve got it, I had now been dragged into this nightmare in the first person, rather than my favorite third or fourth person position,much more preferred if I could have had my druthers. Where this blinking story was headed, no intrepid Boy Scout had any business going.
The pain numbing affects of the serum did finally start kicking in, about the time the brood womb offered me a hot generic popsicle as a peace offering ( hot as in stolen from a local shop), which I wiped at my face for about ½ hour while trekking homeward. We remained incommunicado for years over this incident. I tried in vain to join the Marine Corps that following summer, thinking it couldn’t be any worse than my sojourn into orthodontic hell; and the Corp would definitely have been more nurturing than what the queen of darkness was doling out. She had after all, offered me up to the pits.
Be afraid of dentists, be very afraid! Look how they treat their favorite pets for crying out loud.
And you wonder why I am reluctant to see a dentist: wrap your mind around this factoid, what I have just described was one on the better visits I have had with those sick twisted drill freaks.
Raven, is asking; do you really want to join me on my next dental venture?
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Comment by katyzzz
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Poor cat, you big sook, no not the cat, you. I'm all heart.
katyzzz
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
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It was just a figure of speech; I lost my mind..and my enema bag.
Dentists can be vile and evil; he violated the hapless, not I.
Whatsa big sook anyway?
Raven
Comment by katyzzz
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Poetry Lighthouse
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Work on getting your karma to 10, that way you'll be above the line and people will actually see you rather than having to go looking for you as I have just done, I guess I have just a little bit of the heart gene.
katyzzz
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Are you alone? Anyone reading over your shoulder?
No? Great, minor confession: I have a bit of that, 'all heart' chink in my persona as well, ...but we, 'big sooks' have a macho image gene that controls some of our more basic impulses. I haven't the slightest clue about why its grip is so strong, or even why I would care about such things at my tender age. But we hide our 'all heart' tendencies in the public arena.
So, between 9 or 90, men are busy posing and posturing in response to this miscreant gene that's run amok in our Levi's. I wonder if it is related to mating issues?
Anyway, I'm more inclined to microwave the dentist than to hurt the cat.
karma to 10? I'll have to learn about the karma thing then.
Raven
Comment by Fingertip Titans Unite
Idiots Among Us
Fingertip Titans
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
That demon spawned S.O.B had the good sense to locate his dental office above a bar.
So, opportunist that I am, I stopped in that fortuitous den of iniquity for a drink to take the edge off my angst. Which I accomplished by drowning it in frozen Stoli. When I reclaimed my conscienceness a week later, I was garbed in a red tutu, caribou leggings, rubber thongs and was wearing a seriously old sombrero covered with fishing fly's and snagging hooks.
Meanwhile, I realized that the horrific pain had abated enough to be tolerable; so I used the old sombrero covered with fishing fly's and snagging hooks, and went fishing as far from dentists as possible.
Raven